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Dreams, Hopes and Loneliness

December 20, 2011

I live with an enlarged photo of Don leaning against a tree.  I took that photo in the mid-1980s in Iowa, when we visited there.

Don leaning on tree

Don and Tree, Iowa

That Don also comes to me in my dreams:

It is winter. Snowflakes are on the bare branches of shivering trees. Don stands against a huge tree trunk, wearing a Burberry tweed coat that I had bought for him on sale (still $400 on sale in mid ‘80s), his neck wrapped in a colorful, long scarf, which I had bought at Neiman Marcus, also on sale. Each time I announced how much I saved by buying expensive items on sale, Don gave a roaring laughter. I knew what went through his mind, “Oh, she is so full of it but so cute. I will keep her for eternity.”

I want to go close to him, longing for his arms to hug me. Not to summon lust but to feel sensuous joy. But suddenly darkness falls, making my eyes blind with sadness.  My heart, lonely and grieving, plummets into a barren land, and I stand in a moment of stillness. I sit up close to an enlarged photo of Don. I want to go back to my thoughts. There I can still hope that he will come to me. (From Looking for Don)

 My book, Looking for Don: A Meditation is coming in the Winter of 2012.

In that book, I share with the readers myself in grief, pain and loneliness in every day struggle. I am already in fear and trembling about the book. The thought of that book in the hands of the readers makes me feel as if I were standing stark naked in front of strangers. In the final analysis, though, I summon courage to send it out, for it is an act of love to share a personal self. If the book touches a heart of someone who grieves, the book has done well. I would know that grief and loneliness can be and should be shared.

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4 Comments
  1. EVERY TIME I SEE THAT PHOTO OF DON, AND THE PICTURE OF DAI SIL AND DON, MY HEART CLUTCHES. I KNOW ETERNITY WILL BE KIND TO THEM SOMEDAY. AND UNTIL THEN, DAI SIL WILL RISK EVERYTHING BY OPENING HER HEART TO SHOW WHAT FALLS OUT.VERY BRAVE.

    • Grace, I trust what you wrote here that “eternity will be kind” to us. Which means that Don and I wll be together again. Until then, as you said, I will open my heart to share our love. The remaining days of my life are devoted to sharing Don with others, no matter how painful. Thanks with all my heart for your prayer summoning kindness from eternity. Much love to you. Dai Sil

  2. The void is deep, but it’s being filled by love. It’s a gradual process–I wish it could go faster for you, but every moment brings something good, whether it’s consciously experienced or not. You’re surviving this and growing wiser.

    I love that you’re creating portraits of yourself and Don. It’s a meditative process, tracing the contours, picking out the right tones, all in order to create that verisimilitude and truly feel that person. In all the photos you’ve taken of him, Don looks so attentive to you. There is a very special expression, a look in his eyes, that is only meant for you. Keep drawing him, keep creating that expression.

    Your book is a testament to your strong heart and courageous, invincible spirit. Losing Don may have brought you to your knees, but you’re growing stronger with each day. I look forward to reading your insights and will pass the word on.

    • Yoona,

      I wish you’ve written my book for me! You write to beautifully. Also, what you wrote about my painting of Don and myself moves me deeply. Actually, I feel so uneasy and ambivalent aboout including my paintings in the blog and in the forthcoming book. And I write about those feelings in the book. I have no natural born talent for the forms but what I have in abandunce are feelings. especially when it comes to Don. Anything I paint of him has to be special because it expresses my feelings for him. I know nobody would feel like I do for Don.

      I don’t know if I am courageous and wise. I am still invaded by tears suddenly in the shower, walking on the streets, immersed in the crowd, in the quietness of our apartment, sitting on Don’s bed looking out of window. . .

      Grief does not go away but I am learning to live with it.
      Dai Sil

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